Congratulations, Iranian expatriates!

Congratulations, Iranian expatriates! You have been presented with a fantastic opportunity to contribute to the betterment of your already over-inflated sense of self-importance and victimhood. If you are a secular, Westernized, wealthy Tehrani Persian living in the West and have a decent command of English (or in Western Europe, another appropriate language), you are entitled to appear on any mainstream news channel to speak on behalf of the entire nation of Iran, a country you do not live in and have not visited in many years.

When presenting yourself as a spokesperson for the 70 million people of Iran, please remember to abide by the following rules. Otherwise, your television appearance may be canceled.

• You are strongly encouraged to make use of tired cliches such as: 'behind the veil', 'beneath the veil', 'lifting the veil', or 'beyond the veil'. When describing Iran, feel free to use any or all of the following adjectives: backwards, barbaric, medieval, irrational, dangerous. If you should choose to coin a neologism such as "mullahcracy" or "Islamofascist," please remember to smile smugly in order to remind your audience of how clever you are for coming up with such an original and biting term.


• You must be vehemently opposed to the Iranian government in general and the Ahmadinejad administration in particular. No other opinions will be tolerated because all Iranians, like robots, think exactly alike.


• You must be very careful when addressing Iranian history. Do complain of the 1979 revolution, in which the most popular protests in world history overthrew the country's kind and beloved dictator, King Mohammad Reza Pahlavi. Do not complain of the 1953 coup, in which the CIA overthrew Iran's democratically-elected prime minister Mohammad Mossadegh and forcibly installed Mohammad Reza Pahlavi as king. Do mention Mir Hossein Mousavi's role as a reformist politician in recent years. Do not mention Mir Hossein Mousavi's role as prime minister in the 1980s, when he oversaw the violent purging of reformists and student activists, or the fact that he is a die-hard Khomeinist.


• Be sure to identify Islam as the primary cause of oppression in Iran. It is preferable that you know very little or nothing at all about the religion; such knowledge is unnecessary and undesirable in order for you to be an authority on the subject. Do not, under any circumstances, be a practicing Muslim yourself; otherwise your opinion will be immediately disqualified. Non-Muslim religious minorities are discouraged from speaking unless they also happen to be critical of Islam.


• Please remember that the most pressing and important problem facing Iranian women is the mandatory headscarf law. Avoid mentioning other problems, such as wage inequality or restricted access to abortion, as these issues also exist in the West and may therefore upset Western viewers. You are encouraged to advocate for the right of Iranian women to veil or not veil as they please, but you absolutely must not advocate for the right of European Muslim women to veil or not veil as they please.


• You are strongly encouraged to promote U.S./European intervention in Iran. Do not mention that sanctions and military intervention have failed to produce positive results and caused millions of civilian deaths in neighboring Iraq and Afghanistan. Instead, remain optimistic that things would be different with Iran.

If you follow these guidelines carefully, you too can speak as an authority on Iran - no knowledge, education, or original insight required! After all, you're entitled to special attention after your harrowing and traumatic choice to relocate from a posh neighborhood in Tehran to a posh neighborhood in Beverly Hills, New York, or Paris.